T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRIMBLEMAS IN THE WOODLANDS

T’was the night before Crimblemas and all through the lodge
Junior Beaver was tinkering and Moe was passed out.
Their costumes lying wet on the ottoman by the fire
Kiddies hoped that the Beaver in the Man Hat would soon be there.

The Woodland babes were all tucked into their various beds
With visions of animated SPAM cans waltzing in their heads
The misses in her oversized “brumpa” and I in my Norwegian “Fiska”
Put our tired fuzz butts down for a “quickie” before snack.

Suddenly we heard the sound of silverware smashing against our house
I fell out of bed and landed on my slippers, either that or a swollen mouse?
Stumbling to the window I adjusted my under garment,
Ripped off the curtain and pushed my face through the glass no matter.

The moon was like cheese, thick and full of sodiumI couldn’t believe I was about to witness a humdrum-conundrum!
I blinked repeatedly, drooled a bit, thought for a moment I was wearing a cowl.
Then I see the villainous Dr. Pus, in a storage tote pulled by some nasty fowl.

He was maniacal, frothing and smelled like an open bowel
Transfixed, I had to pee and was ready to go in a towel.
When he opened his mouth and his goggles shot up
He pointed at each bird, passed gas, burped and threw up!

“Now Semu, now, Boris! now Yngwie and Stubbs…
On Sanchez! On Forebush! On Dander & Bishop!
To the peak of the ginger house and the base of the lodge
Move you lousy flock, otherwise I’ll replace you with shuttlecocks!”I suddenly hear them all land on the roof
It sounded like this, “BIM, BIFF, BANG, POOF!”
I turned my head like a screw or is it a shrew?
They all stood by our X-Mas tree, naked like beef stew.

He was covered in fur, goggles and drool.
He laughed and said, “Move the table, push in the stools!”
Throwing his hairy sack on the floor on my favorite braided rug
When out of the bag came radioactive glowing ladybugs!

His eyes were like laser beams, burning and red
He held out his platypus claw and it smelled like day old bread.
His duck bill was thick, dark and wetthe grossest looking thing I had seen as of yet.
Smoke rose from his body, whether it be stench or gas I can’t say
But accompanying them all was the smell of wet hay.
His shape like an eggplant, bulbous and firm
He stood their and leered, teasing me with a generous earthworm.

Fat I’d say, that’s what he was
I didn’t know whether to cry, scream or pass out!When they all drew their twig guns on me and smiled
He said, “Get ready for a nasty mash up of eggnog and bile!”
He said no more but looted my house and defecated about
There was goose poop on my feet and slime on my snout.
My eyes bugged out and my mouth was agape.
When down the chimney he came in a top hat and cape.
He was whiskery and tough, like a walnut with fur
He had a mole for a sidekick who was humming a song from Blur.
I heard the beaver clear his throat, as he exclaimed erect and proud
“Stand back Pus and evil clan, the Beaver in the Man Hat is on hand!”